totus tuus: day 33

The Virgin of Nazareth became the first “witness” to this saving love of the Father, and she also wishes to remain its humble handmaid always and everywhere.

Pope St. John Paul II, Redemptoris Mater

I’ve been wanting to write for several days, but the only thing I’ve eked out has been some partially coherent dribbling in my journal. This final week of the 33-day consecration to Jesus through Mary, which is called “Knowledge of Jesus”, has been more intense in a way. I think I was hoping to write in order to ease the interior tension I could feel building, even though I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly. Today, the Gospel reading opened the floodgates. From the gospel of John, Mary Magdalene is in the garden weeping after finding the tomb empty, and Jesus calls her by her name. I started weeping—good, solid, necessary tears.

I mentioned this before, but these 33 days of consecration have been very different from what I anticipated. I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting—maybe more of an interior desert, something really difficult, trudging through spiritual mud, getting to Confession with a good, rich, long list of previously unearthed sins… or something like that—and that’s how I would ultimately grow closer to God, by becoming a more pure version of myself, someone more amenable, attractive—someone more lovable.

But it wasn’t like that. It went much deeper than that. I ended up wrestling with one of the most basic truths of following Christ, a primal matter of faith: I am a child of God and He loves me—not because I have done or will do things right, but because I was created by Him and baptized as His own.

That sounds so simple, but integral to the Christian life. After all, how can I fully surrender to Someone of whose love I’m ultimately uncertain?

I really thought I had that down. I mean, I grew up singing “Jesus Loves Me”, and as a child had memorized, “Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called children of God” (I John 3:1). But maybe there was a sense as a child, and even as a young adult, that I would ultimately become a better person one day, and maybe I would know that by all the amazing missions God would call me to and sufferings He would ask of me. And when the going got tough, and I realized how challenging living a virtuous life could be, I grew discouraged… or something like that. Whatever it was, I don’t think I’ve believed—fully, with all that entails—that God actually does love me unconditionally.

It makes complete sense that this Truth would become clearer and stronger by growing closer to Jesus through Mary. Mary, as daughter of God, spouse of the Holy Spirit, and mother to Our Lord, has experienced the love of God thoroughly and received it humbly. She didn’t just withstand the cross to receive the crown—all of it was a gift to her because she truly embraced God’s love and will for her, first as daughter and handmaid.

On my refrigerator, I have a quote from Love Alone is Credible by Hans Urs von Balthasar, which reads:

Faith is ordered primarily to the inconceivability of God’s love… Love alone is credible; nothing else can be believed, and nothing else ought to be believed… The way God, the lover, sees us is in fact the way we are in reality- for God this is the absolute and irrevocable truth.

This really struck me when I first read it, only a couple months ago. If it had made such an impression on me then, it must have pierced a weak spot. I wouldn’t have known that it would also be a central theme during the consecration.  

Mary’s faith, which we Christians admire so greatly, was complete trust in the inconceivability of God’s love. She believed that she was the person God saw her to be. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been able to say, “Let it be done unto me according to thy word,” at the annunciation. She would have responded like Moses—“Send someone else, Lord”—or like Peter—“Depart from me Lord, I am a sinner”. She had no vanity; it did not occur to her that God may have made a mistake. She trusted Him, and this is why her cousin Elizabeth said to her, “Blessed is she who has believed.”

Reflecting on all of this is what made me realize that I don’t trust fully in the inconceivability of God’s love for me. It still seems inconceivable a lot of the time. One prayer that I have often prayed throughout my adult life is, Help me Lord to see you as you are, not just what I want you to be. But I’m realizing I also need to pray that God helps me to see myself as He sees me—like the father and the prodigal son, or Jesus with Mary Magdalene in the garden.